Here's Your Lettah
by wifeofxasonnex
Summary: A silly oneshot about what happened on the day that Steve and Blue received a ticking package. T for subject matter, not content. Caution: character death.


Here's Your Lettah!

By Wife of Xasonnex

Summary: Mailbox gives his statement about what happened on the day that Blue and Steve received a ticking package.

Disclaimer: If I actually owned the characters from "Blue's Clues" do you think that I'd be doing this to them?

Author's Note: I'm writing about Steve and Blue because my nephews outgrew "Blue's Clues" before Joe became the host and I've never seen an episode with Joe in the starring role (to be honest, I haven't seen an episode of "Blue's Clues" in a very long time). The style in which this story is written is modeled after Stephen King's Dolores Claiborne, so just imagine that you're listening to a tape of a conversation in which Mailbox is the only person wearing a microphone. I tried to write in Mailbox's accent, but I decided not to substitute "ah" for "er" in some words because it might be difficult to figure out which word I intended Mailbox to say. If I'm inconsistent with my spelling, I apologize. Please remember, it's difficult to be consistent in spelling when one is not writing in Standard English.

WX

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I'm kinda nervous to be here. I've nevah gone to a police station before. I guess you're gonna wanna know what happened, huh?

It was bad. It was awful…but I guess I should start from the beginnin' if I'm gonna get the story right.

I've been a mailbox my whole life, y'know? And since Steve and Blue have gotten so populah, I've been gettin' lots of lettahs every day. Usually the lettahs don't even have return addresses. They just have a stick figure of a kid or a first name. You know how kids are. They don't realize that full names are important. But since all the kiddos like Steve and Blue so much, our mailman makes sure that we get any lettah that has Steve or Blue's name or a picture of a man or a dog drawn on it.

I remembah when we had that anthrax scare and the news was tellin' people not to open, or even touch, any lettahs with messy block writin' or a lumpy appearance. Around here, aside from bills, that's the only kinda lettah we get.

That's why I didn't think that there was anything unusual about the package we got today. Kids send all kinds of weird things to Steve and Blue. One kid even sent his pet guinea pig. The poor thing…Blue got all excited chasin' it and ended up givin' it a heart attack. Rodents are funny animals that way. They're always havin' heart attacks.

Oh, Blue. God, I miss her. She was always so happy to get the mail. She always made me feel so useful. Steve did, too. Oh, my Steve!

Sorry about that. I kinda lost it there for a minute. It's been a really bad day, a really long day. Do ya mind if I smoke?

Thanks. I've mostly quit, but some days just make me wanna light up, y'know? Ahh. That's bettah. Now I can go on.

So today Steve and Blue were wantin' to read a story but, as you know, Blue couldn't tell Steve outright what she wanted to read. So when all our TV friends showed up, Steve decided to play a game of Blue's Clues to figure out which story she wanted to read and he went straight to Side Table Drawer to get his Handy Dandy Notebook.

Those TV kids are so sweet. They are always so happy to play Blue's Clues. They should have nevah had to see a thing like that. Poor kids, bein' forced to grow up so fast.

Here I go, breakin' down again, even with a cigarette. I guess I just need a good, stiff drink.

Now, don't you go gettin' all uptight with me! I know I can't drink in here, officah. I guess I was just thinkin' out loud.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. They started playing Blue's Clues to figure out which story Blue wanted to read.

Well, first they went out to the yard to visit Shovel and Pail. They needed help buildin' a drawbridge to go across the moat around their sandcastle. So Steve found a flap to a cardboard box and fixed one up for 'em.

When that was all done and Blue and Steve were headin' back to the house, the TV kids noticed a clue on a pile of dry twigs in the yard. So Steve got out his Handy Dandy Notebook and drew a picture of a pile of twigs. A pretty good picture, too.

Aftah thinkin' about the clue for a while, Steve and the TV kids decided that they needed to find more of Blue's clues before they would be able to figure out which story Blue wanted to read.

Steve and Blue went back into the house through the back door. Bowl and Spatula were on the kitchen countah. They were tryin' to figure out how to make a muffin recipe, so Steve and the TV kids helped them count the right numbah of eggs and measure the right amount of oil and water…y'know I don't know what us household objects will do without the help of Steve and those TV kids. I guess we'll just lie around and do nothin' all day.

I'm okay now, really.

So aftah the muffin fiasco was resolved, Steve and Blue went to the livin' room. That's when Blue skidooed into a picture of a farm. Steve followed her and then the two of 'em ran into a farmer who needed help feedin' his pigs. Each pig needed to have four ears of corn, so Steve and the TV kids went lookin' for the corn for each of the pigs. When they had finished, one of the pigs turned around and exposed a clue on his side. So Steve, once again, pulled out his Handy Dandy Notebook and drew a fine picture of a pig.

He and the TV kids thought for a while and still couldn't figure out what Blue wanted to read about. Of course, I figured out as soon as I saw the clue on the pig that Blue wanted to read "The Three Little Pigs," but I guess I'm just a little brightah than Steve and those TV kids. I am, aftah all, oldah than they are.

So that's about the time that this guy in a hooded sweatshirt and a pair of sunglasses slipped a package inside of me. This wasn't really unusual to have a regulah person drive by and delivah something to Steve and Blue. Sometimes the TV kids who live in town will have their parents drop off their lettahs instead of sendin' 'em through the mail.

I know that it's not really legal, but I just think those kids are so sweet. I couldn't bear to make 'em sad by puttin' a stop to it.

I guess I'm a little responsible for their deaths because of that. If I hadn't made a habit of acceptin' unofficial lettahs and packages, Steve and Blue would still be here today. The kids would be sad if I refused their lettahs, but they wouldn't be half as sad as when they hear about what happened--the ones who didn't see it happen for themselves.

Those poor kids!

Okay, okay. I guess I do have to continue, huh?

Aftah I got the package I brought it in to Steve. I thought it was odd that it was tickin,' but I thought that maybe a kid had bought a friend for Tickety Tock.

When I brought the package to Steve he sang the "Here's the Mail" song and then I said, "Here's your lettah!" And then he sang the "We Just Got a Lettah" song and then he opened it and it exploded! And here I had thought that a kid had just sent him a friend for Tickety Tock, but it was a time bomb! A time bomb! And Blue and Steve are gone! They're gone forevah! Their body parts flew all over the livin' room. The thinkin' chair is one big bloodstain! Blue and Steve's body parts are rottin' everywhere in that house and it's my fault!

Don't tell me it's not my fault! I know it is!

I can't take it! I can't take it anymore!

**The End**


End file.
